So messed up..

I do love my life , I am grateful for what I have. Healthy children, husband that loves me, and works really hard for me. Its just deep down inside I feel like I am lost. I know Christ, he is my Lord and Savior. Its not a religious thing its something else I just can't seem to shake. I'm always on the verge of crying. I yell alot. Sorry , its true . Spending all day with Jordan really gets under my skin. He is still up my ass. I feel really alone. Jeff is no help right now. He works so hard and then doesn't want to do anything on the weekends. My life : exercise,(and I'm still fat) school,tv,computer,drinking. Usually done alone, except the school part. I need a retreet from my life. To just get away and pretend to be someone else. I have always been one to follow all the rules and never do anything wrong. I'm such a prude. I'm 40 and live like I'm 70. I miss getting out and socializing. I miss having fun. I don't even know how to relax and have fun anymore. I have no one to hang out with. My sex life really sucks. I'm fat. I'm 40 :(   I am a mess !

I really hate my cable Right Now !!

My crush is going to be interviewed today for a full 30 minutes on mtv, and we don't have that channel. My only hope is that Jeff will not be on the computer so that I can watch online. If he is , maybe I can use Jordan's computer. Ah Ha, thats what I will do. Yes , hopefully I can view it . Then he is going to be on the Jay Leno show tonight.. I can't wait, he is so fricken sexy... Sweet dreams for me tonight...

Not much to say..

I didn't exercise yesterday, and  I feel it. I did clean house so that is a bit of exercise. I have now been doing that yoga tape for a month. I really like it. I haven't really noticed any change in my body, but I have only done it twice a week. This week I have done it 4 times. Jordan wants to wait till next week to go check out the martial arts thing. I don't think this is something he wants to do, or he would be driving me nuts about doing it. I think its more Jeff wanting him to do it. No plans for tonight. Tomorrow Jeff and I are going to go see Red Riding Hood. I drank alot last weekend and ate like crazy. So I am going to try to be very good this weekend. Damn Baileys and Coke  Why Must You Be So YUMMY !!!

So why do we celebrate?

So today is St. Patrick's Day and I ask myself why is this something we celebrate? I honestly don't remember. All I remember from school was to wear green or you got pinched. I know I can look it up online to see what this national holiday stands for, maybe I will later. Today Jeff wants me to take Jordan down to the Mixed Martial Arts place and let him check it out to see if he wants to do it or not. Part of me wants him to do it , cause he needs a hobby. And part of me doesn't want him to do it , cause I don't want him to get hurt. They actually spar against each other.  Any who I guess we will see what happens. I want to go shopping. I think , I want to look for sun dresses to wear this summer. I haven't wore a skirt since my senior year in high school. Which is all I used to wear. Loved the mini.. Now I would love to have something just above the knee.

Okay I'm better now..

So Cole went for his new job phiysical and drug test this morning. He also gave notice. He will begin his new job Monday. I do feel this physical labor job will be good for him. He has had it pretty easy. This is going to be a whole new world for him. His girlfriends dad and brother in law both work at Thorps, so at least he will no people there. He seems pretty excited about it. He plans on staying in Mertzon alot cause he has to be at work at 6:30am. I think thats the hard part for me. Letting go.

Oh Cole what are you doing?

My son, I am so worried about him. You know this letting go crap is for the birds. Why must they grow up and make choices of there own. I know its time, he's almost 19 , but it really sucks. I think he is making a terrible mistake, but he wont listen to us.  I know we made bad mistakes growing up too, but isn't that why we want our kids to do so much better. He is going to quit Weirnershnitzel and go to work at Tom Thorp. I know 3 years at a fast food place is boring, and I know he is ready for something new, but to go to work as a swamper I just don't get. Maybe hard work will wake him up and he will decide to go to college. I just have been praying God's will to be done. So with the job being in Mertzon he will probably move out there, if he stays at the job. Which sucks , cause I barely see him now living under my roof. This just SUCKS !!!!! Sorry I'm just sad..

Walking the line again..

I feel so much better today. I exercised, and Jeff tried to do the yoga with me. He could not do it. I am back on my healthy schedule. It sure makes a difference how I feel when I eat good verses bad. I need to remember that, then maybe I will always choose wisely. Jeff passed his physical. So happy. His blood pressure was fine. YEA! I made homemade chicken parmigiano today . I made it from a healthy cook book. It was really good and only 332 calories per serving. Not much going on this week. Same ole same ole. I am very dissapointed no girls night out, but I no there will be another time. Jeff and I decided to have date night this Saturday. I want to go see Red Riding Hood. So thats what we are gonna do.